Life

Look to the HillsHello, there. It’s been a while.

Since last checking in, I’ve been thrown another of Life’s (or shall we say, Death’s?) curveballs and I’m not in a good place. Well, I’m probably more laser-focused than ever on a professional level, so that’s the silver lining in all of this, but otherwise, I’m grieving — my paternal grandfather passed on August 23rd, one week shy of the 1 year anniversary of my grandmother’s passing.

You don’t really get over it when someone you love dies, but you do manage to try and move on with your life after the fog of grief lifts. I was barely getting to a place where you could say I was moving on.

Then I got knocked back down.

We all knew it was a matter of time for my grandfather, which makes me question why I’m taking it so hard. At 81, his health had been in decline over the past few years, but let me tell you — even when you know the end of a life is imminent, the full weight of grief doesn’t hit you until it actually happens.

I think I know why it’s so hard…everything feels so final now. My grandparents were the heart of the family. Now they’re gone and the family homestead sits empty.

Scream

I feel like a restless animal; I want to throw my head back and scream in grief.

In all my years living a charmed existence, this year has been the toughest one yet: I’ve lost 2 loved ones; my daughter underwent emergency surgery on New Year’s Day; I sold my beloved house in San Antonio, thereby cutting ties to the place I hoped to call home again; my husband was furloughed over the summer; a friend recently turned out not to be such a good friend after all; my freelance career has stalled…

It’s just been tough and I feel sorry for myself. There were a lot of happy times this year, so I should be more grateful. I’m just so tired.

Better Yet, Roar

Katy Perry’s Roar could not have been released at a more fitting time in my life. Have you heard it? I love that song.

I first heard it a few days after my grandpa’s funeral, and given that I’m ready to take control in the areas of my life where I still have that luxury, I secretly dedicated that song to Adversity — not Life, because life is good.

Comments

  1. says

    Hey KC,
    Was thinking about you and realized i hadn’t been over to your blog(s) in a while..quite a while it seems! I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough year :( My grandmother recently passed away too, she was my last grandparent left so I understand what you are going through.

    Then to have all that other crap thrown on top too. :/ I totally get where you are (or were – it’s been a few months!) I hope the holidays renew some spirit into your soul and you can tackle the new year with vigor! I’ve been where you are many times and I still go there a lot. The only thing we can do is push through. Clarity comes out of doing the work. Even if you’re not sure where you are going right now, as long as you keep working through it, it will come.

    hugs!

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